Dear DeVante,
Before I begin I’d just like to say that this letter is best read with “Cupid” by 112 playing softly in the background.
Well here goes letter #481, hopefully this time you’ll write back. It’s ok though, by now I am used to it and I know you’re busy. It’s just — well, you make me smile and always say the funniest things tee he he, see there you go again. You probably did not know this but I am your No.1 fan, and I’ve been infatuated with you since your sophomore season at Louisville. You remember the one right? It was the year where you posted as many touchdowns (10) on just 40 catches as Kevin White did as a senior on 109. People tend to forget, but I didn’t because It was nothing short of breathtaking.
And while I am being totally honest with you for a minute, I have a confession to tell. When you went down with your broken foot this year I’ll admit it — I cried. Truth be told though; after all those tears dried to my face while laying in my twin bed in my parents’ basement I had a life altering epiphany. I thought to myself, “Self, if DeVante Parker only plays half the season it will keep his draft value down low enough so we can finally be together forever”, and thankfully it has. Your injury left enough question marks on the table that the likes of guys like White and DGB have leap frogged you on some positional ranks. At one point your price tag sang the price tune of 1.03-1.04, however now in some cases it’s as low as 1.07. That is like getting a brand new, fully loaded BMW for $4,000, in which case — I’ll take it. So over the course of the past few months I’ve tweaked my roster in preparation for your arrival, and I think I am finally ready.
Oh and before I forget — the other day someone called you the 3rd best wide receiver in this draft class, but clearly they must have confused you with Kevin White (the guy will the billy-goat beard who never smiles on camera). The drafts 3rd best receiver? Maybe they were too blinded by Kevin’s 4.35 40 yard dash time to notice your 19.9 YPC last season. Apparently these “mail order” lovers prefer track and field statistics to actual football ones. Hell, if running fast in a straight line equated to future success I’d probably resemble something like Brad Pitt doing 200 MPH in a Ferrari full of beautiful women right now (I currently own a 1993 Volvo station wagon — with no babes anywhere in the vicinity of it).
I realize your time is valuable so I’ll wrap it up here so you can go back to being awesome. You see, each night before bed I say a little prayer in hopes that you end up with the Miami Dolphins. I know you and Ryan Tannehill could be so happy together. I can just picture it now — you running side by side with Jarvis Landry on a go route as you leave him 40 yards behind you in a cloud of dust. Even before all the reunion with Teddy talk Miami was the destination I wished for you. They need a legit number one wide receiver and you check every box in the universe. You win at the top of routes, you are a natural hands catcher, you run a sophisticated route tree, you are a threat to score in the red zone and last but certainly not least you high point caught my heart.
Please write back this time, DeVante.
Sincerely,
A totally normal guy with a totally normal level of fandom,
– Nate
PS: I’ll continue banging the table for the Miami Dolphins dream because the last place I want to see you go is that dumpster fire in Cleveland.
